It was a Friday afternoon, and after a morning of meetings, I was spending my lunch hour working. I was gaining ground on what I had lost that Monday, the day I stayed at home with Babes because she was sick. That was for ear infection #2.
Then I got the call from daycare. Babes had a temperature of 102 and I needed to pick her up ASAP.
My immediate thought was, “I was just on a roll. How am I supposed to get a real day of work in when she is sick all the time?”
My second thought went like this, “I’m a pretty shitty Mom if my first response to that kind of phone call is frustration with my sick daughter.”
Here in lies the dilemma of the working parent.
How can I give my full attention to my out-of-the-home job when my first job is so emotionally and physically demanding 24-hours-a-day – even when I’m not “on duty.”
The reality is that Babes has been sick with ear infections and colds for the better part of February, and about half of January, when she began day care. I understand this is the demise of daycare…kids share germs, they get sick.
But can I tell you how shitty is it when you have to drop off your precious child at day care only to be greeted with a red sign that reads: “Warning: Children in this room have been exposed to Roseola?”
My maternal instinct says “No! Don’t leave her here! She’ll get sick, and it will be your working fault.” My working instinct says, “You’ve got a meeting in 45 minutes, don’t screw this up.”
But Babes? She gets the short end of the stick all of the time.
Because when she’s sick, she can’t go to daycare. Hubs and I do the juggling game: Who will take her to the doctor? Who has a morning meeting? Who will cover the middle of the day? Who can leave work early? Can we get a mom to come over?
I feel like we are shushing her off to whomever will take her - at a time when she needs her Mommy and Daddy the most.
I’m sure Hubs feels the guilt too, but I feel like a bad parent because I am not there for her to comfort and cuddle with. And I feel like a bad employee because I have to leave at the drop of a hat when I get a phone call she is sick, or take off because she needs to visit the doctor again.
Parents tell me it gets better. That after a year (!!) of this, she will come out with a stellar immune system. But it doesn’t seem fair – to anyone. And frankly, the only person I care about being fair to right now is her.
{ 14 comments }
Been there, done that, still doing that. It DOES get better…sometimes with time, sometimes with tubes (if recommended). The thing about daycare is that they get sick A LOT — it’s a system that is broken in that respect. The good thing is that as they get older, they do have stellar immune systems. I’ve been a working mom for most of 18 years and even though my kids don’t get sick as much any more — I still confront that panic when an unplanned-for day off comes up.
The best solution for me is to at least get some work done from home — and this is much easier to accomplish now than it was a decade ago. But that’s not a perfect solution by any means.
Some bosses have been better than others about this thing — do great work when you ARE there and they are usually a lot more accomodating. And if your boss has yougn children, that helps a lot too!
@Eileen, Thank you so much for your advice/comment. My work is very understanding… and I do have a lap top from which I can work at home… I work with a lot of moms.
But the question is… how long until they are not so understanding? I don’t want to over-use the understanding of my co-workers.
I feel like it is a fine line.
Oh, e. I feel your pain. I do hope those more experienced mamas weigh in because I don’t have any good answers.
I always feel like I’m shorting somebody, but right now, our babies have to be our first priority, right?
The whole situation sucks.
@amber, I am so with you. My attention is never 100% focused on (enter child/work/hubs/home here).
Being a working parent is so much harder than I thought it would be. I mean, finding the time to balance home, the baby, cleaning a house, cooking food ( or in our case, making sammies) is so hard.
Oh, and the relationship between me and my husband… that needs attention too – in fact, I think it is the most important thing.
Hubs is awesome though. He is staying home today because he knows I have back to back meetings all afternoon. Plus, he just jumps right in there with both feet – no qualms about taking care of a sick baby. And God bless him, he never makes me feel guilty for taking time for me, or not cleaning or cooking like I feel I should.
We really are a team, and I know he feels just as guilty about things as I do.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I work from home now and all of my girls are in school, but at one time I worked full-time AND homeschooled at the same time. Try balancing that one. (Insert heart attack here.) And, yes, I see the irony that I’m working from home now that they are gone…although for most of the time I wasn’t working at all and was just had home with the kids. Boy, I really have done this lots of different ways, lol!
Bottom line: you’re going to feel guilty no matter what you do. Guilt and motherhood go hand-in-hand. No matter how I was parenting at any given time, I felt guilty for not doing something differently. Sigh.
In some ways I was a much better parent when I worked full-time outside of the home. Because I had time with adults during the day (having adult conversations and doing things that had nothing to do with kids) I was much more patient when I was with my kids. My husband and I did what we called “tag-team parenting.” The kids do not appear to have any scars from the experience.
My mother was at home with me when I was young, but put my younger sister in daycare and went to work. To this day my sister says she had a great time in daycare. She is now a stay-at-home mom, but not because of any “bad experience” or anything. It’s just what works for her right now.
You are obviously a mother who cares very much for her daughter. You are on top of the ear infection thing. Yes, kids sometimes interfere with careers–we knew that was going to be the case when we had kids. Some employers are understanding and some are not. All you can do is the best you can with what you have and don’t worry about the rest…because, above all, your daughter doesn’t need a mom who is upset and worried. We can’t function at our best when we’re worried about what we can’t change.
Hang in there! (And I’m very sorry about your daughter’s ear infection! Those are painful!)
@Michele, You are speaking from great experience! You have done it all different ways!
You totally put things into perspective for me. I agree, working outside of the home helps me be better parent. And you are right, there will be guilt all of the time… I do think my husband and I make a great team, but I guess I worry about where my attention lies when I am at home… *trying* to work with a baby that wants to play. And then there is the attention at work. I am attached to my cell phone in every meetings for fear there will be a call about Babes.
I hate to think as Babes “Interfering” with a career, because to me, that sounds like it is her *fault*. And she isn’t at fault. If anything I feel my work interferes with being a Mommy…
But there is no real cut and dry solution is there?
I guess all you can do is take it one day at a time — and try to keep the guilt in perspective. You’re doing the best you can at the given moment and they really will not be little forever.
I spent 6 years at home though and each time one of my kids was sick, I was very aware of how fortunate I was to not be in the position of figuring out how my work was going to get done that day. Trouble is, that option did not pay very well!
@Eileen, Oh too true….
I think it makes you a better mother because you are worrying about this. I know a lot of moms who should be worried about leaving their children for work and they don’t seem to care at all.
@Katy, Um… like the moms that fill their kids up with Motrin and drop them off at daycare while crossing their fingers? Yeah, I hear those stories too!
Poor little thing. Such a hard situation for all of you. IT WILL GET BETTER. It seems like they suck in everything they can before 3, so they catch everything that goes around. BUT, then they are good to go from about 3 on. I can’t remember the last time I had to take ANY of my kids to the doctor b/c of illness.
@angie, That is encouraging… but I still feel super guilty. “Gigi” came to the rescue and is now staying with our LO until she is over this ear infection hump.
I know exactly how you feel and I know I’ve written about it once or twice (or a hundred) times before! I can never seem to escape the grasp of Working Mom Guilt.
(Can’t wait to meet you at Boot Camp!)
@Trenches of Mommyhood, I just found your blog! I am going to learn SO much from your talk in B-more. I guess I am not as familiar with BlogHer as I should be re: reviews.
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