I was thrilled when Mama Kat picked my prompt suggestion as one of this week’s Writing Workshop prompts! And, what was the prompt?
4.)Share a diary entry from when you were 13…feel free to make one up!
(inspired via twitter by @EricaVoll from I’m Still Fabulous)
That’s me!
In fact, I am so excited about this idea… I want to make it a recurring post. I have so many diaries… it could be fun.
You have to understand, I kept a diary (not a journal, mind you… a “Dear Diary”) From about the time I was 11. I really haven’t looked at these diaries in-depth until tonight.
In 1990, I was 13. I was getting ready to start high school, and it was a weird transitional period in my life. I went through a period when every girl in school hated me. Then they loved me. Girls are cruel, and reading this really makes me scared for our daughter.
When I first thought of this prompt, I thought it would be fun- and funny. I thought I was a typical 13-year-old… whatever that meant.
There are some entries that are super-sticky sweet….
“Jason talked to me again today! He is sooo cute! I really love him!”
And there are many others that are kind of girl-mean-scary…
“I can’t believe guys like Amy. She’s totally flat-chested and not popular!”
But there is a theme that runs throughout. It cuts through the clutter of boys and football games and dances. And, it shines through even the happiest journal entries.
I thought I was fat.
August 13, 1990
I am so mad at Mom! I want a stairmaster and she won’t let me get one with my money! I know I am going to get fatter and fatter. I am crying right now thinking of the lumpy thighs I will get. I want to SCREAM! I know what I will do- I am going to starve myself and exercise ’til I am blue. All I am going to drink is water and I won’t eat. That will teach her a thing or two. I just want one thing- to look good.
I wasn’t fat by any definition. In fact, I was really healthy. I had curves, but I was maybe 110 pounds? I wore a size 5…I was cute.
September 17, 1990
I’ve devised a new diet plan. This week, on Thursday and Tuesday I won’t eat. On Fridays, Wednesdays and Mondays every other week, I don’t eat. I call them my don’t-eat-days (obviously) and I’m determined to stick with it. I’ll stick to my exercise routine, but I need to figure out a way to finish my homework and exercise a lot.
October 11, 1990
Mark my words: I am going on a diet. I don’t care how hungry I am, I will not gain weight- I am obsessed. I want boys to like me and I need to be perfect.
And here’s the scary thing, Diary, Bloggerbuds, at 19 I found myself forced to leave college and inpatient at a treatment center for anorexia. Did I really feel like I was “getting back” at my parents for who-knows-what by dieting and exercising and “showing them a thing or two?”
It really makes me sad. I know what I put my parents through when I was going through my eating disorder.
And now? With a daughter of my own? As a parent, can I put myself in the same place my mother and father were in while they were watching me fade away… praying that I would snap out of an eating disorder and depression that could ultimately kill me?
I was obsessed. I was sick. I was only 19.
But at 13, I had no idea. No clue. But you’re not supposed to have a clue at 13.
To be 13…there are entries when I felt like my life was insane… and entries make no sense.
March 4, 1990
Mom won’t let me leave early to see Nana and Grandpop leave for Las Vegas. She thinks school is the most important thing in life! It Sucks! Sometimes, life can be scary and sometimes it is fun, but mostly it sucks. What is the purpose of life? I hope I find my true self…
And there are entries that make me laugh
April 4 1990
Sarah is totally ignoring me. Oh, now that she is in the seniors softball league she is so cool? She is too cool to be my friend? I never really liked her anyway.
April 6, 1990
I am writing in black to show that BOYS ARE SCUM. I mean, except for a couple like Chance, Jason and Tom. And Kevin. He is really nice to me and not scum.
April 21, 1990
Jenny Quilo, Jenny Sobieski, Jenny Josteva, Jenny Sawyer, Jenny McVoy, Jenny Palumbo, Jenny Petulo, Jenny Grey, Jenny Bachman…Sorry, I was just counting how many Jennys I know. Amy is still a total snob.
I’ll be 33 this January, and these diary entries will be 20 years old. Twenty years is a long time, but these entries are still fresh enough to remind me of the person I was. I’m stull not sure there’s enough distance between now and then to read these without feeling a bit emotional. Reading these words still stings a bit.
And my daughter? I hope she writes. I hope she gets her emotions down somewhere- regardless of how scary they may seem at the time. And 13… can…be…scary.
e
{ 13 comments }
Wow. Wow. Wow. I was right there with you and pretty much at the same age. 13 really sucked.
I know it was tough for Ant. That’s about the time his father gave him up for adoption. But that’s also the time he was adopted by the best dad he’ll ever have.
I hope it’s better for Emma and Evan.
I find that my worst “growing up” experiences always fuel my best parenting successes.
Yours will do the same.
Oh, man. I coach a group of 5th grade girls in a running program. We meet twice a week for running and ‘lessons’ on things like building self-esteem, nutrition, bullying… all sorts of things kids that age are starting to face. Last week we did a unit on eating disorders and body image. I was afraid maybe they were too young but after reading this, I realize touching on it now was a good thing. I’m so sorry for all you went through… and I’m so happy you came out on the other side healthy. Your daughter will benefit from your experience!
I wish I had journal entries to look back on and laugh (or cry as the case may be), but I was horrible about writing. I have tons of journals with one or two entries followed by tons of blank pages. It would be fun to look back on the awkward time of my life although, now that I think about it, I’m not sure I ever really grew out of that! Thanks for sharing.
Great entries. So crazy how obsessed we can be/were with weight. I have to dig up my diaries, but I know I had losing weight as a resolution every new year during that time in my life. Thanks for sharing!
Wow…you know, I’ve never had an eating disorder. My dad would make remarks here and there about if my “ass is getting big”. Nice. That was said to me around 17 yrs old. I was never overweight. I never had that problem of starving myself. I can understand though cause my mom was anerexic and bolemic. Perhaps this is why I never had a problem. I saw how my mom looked and what she would do to “get thin” although she got unhealthy thin. Now that I have a daughter and reading everyone’s entries from their diaries, it really makes me become aware of what things I need to keep and eye open for. I’m so sorry you went through this. I know it took a toll on you wanting so bad but in the end, perhaps you will help others.
Kim- It is so weird… like, we were all 13 at some point. I tend to not remember things like these entries and reading them makes me aware of what my daughter will one day go through (not necessarily eating disorders or anything, but just …being thirteen and everything that comes with it. )
Thanks for reading, everyone. Like I said in the post, I thought it would be a fun, silly post, but it ran a little deeper than I imagined it would.
One more thing… no one commented on my cascading waterfall bangs? I spent a lot of time on those!
Sad and funny. Thirteen was probably the most dramatic year of my life. God bless you and you daughter
P.S. Whatever happened to “Amy”?
I don’t know what happened to Amy! But… while I was reading my diaries, I remembered how in high school a group of girls used to make fun of my hair and called me “Poodle hair.” They’ve recently friended me on facebook… and I think I need to remind them of their harsh words before I unfriend them! ha!
It is scary to think what the younger generation of girls will go through, I had the same problem.
Girls can be downright MEAN!! But we all made it through and so will your daughter!!
Thanks for sharing that story with us – it’s very powerful. I want to cry for your 13-year-old self… I’m terrified of what might happen when Tori hits the teenage years. They were awful.
But having been through nightmares, maybe we’ll be able to help our girls avoid them? We can only hope.
P.S. I tried for those same bangs…but never pulled them off that well. Even then, you must have known about product!
poodle hair huh? Well, in 6th grade I was “hay hair” by one awful awful girl. I remember wishing she would move away forever. Actually I am sure I wrote that in my diary over and over. I need to go dig mine out! This was funny, and sad……and yes, it terrifies me to think about Audrey and Bea being teenage girls one day. Scared they will be the bullies, scared they will get bullied scared of how they will think of themselves and their moms!! ugh, what did we get ourselves into!?
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